Goodbye to Love
by NettieC
Summary: It's a sad time in the life of Harmon Rabb and saying goodbye to the love of a good woman only makes it sadder.


Disclaimer: all the usual stuff..

**Goodbye to Love**

Harmon Rabb was tough.

He was strong.

He needed no one.

He needed nothing.

After one too many misunderstandings with Mac, and a deluge of work which gave him little time for sleep, let alone a life outside his work, Harm had slipped into a life of solitude. So used to being alone, he turned down invitations for social activities, like a pickup game with Sturgis or dinner at the Roberts'.

Then, when his mother took ill he felt there was no one he could confide in, so he didn't. When her condition worsened, he dropped everything and flew to her and only Cresswell knew it was family emergency. Then she died and Harm's only call was to his Commanding Officer.

Now he stood in the cemetery chapel, his mother's coffin in front of him and a sea of regret and heartache around him.  
Silently, Mac crept into the chapel and stood and watched him for a few minutes. Seeing him look so sad and forlorn standing there at the closed coffin in front of the small altar Mac fought back her tears. It wasn't just her sadness at the passing of his mother it was that he had thought he had to do this on his own.

While she had known he had distanced himself, especially recently, and while she thought she should do something about it, work had gotten in the way and she had put it off again and again. The first she knew of this tragedy was when General Cresswell had called her in the night before and confided in her. Immediately she requested, and was granted, leave and she arrived in San Diego first thing that morning.

Slowly, Mac walked through the chapel and slipped her hand into his without a word. A quick glance from Harm confirmed what he already knew, that Mac was with him, before his attention returned to the coffin. Long minutes later, the pastor came out and stood beside Harm.  
"It's time to start, Harm," he said patting his arm. "Everyone's outside."  
Harm nodded and knew he couldn't put this moment off forever.  
"Why don't you talk a seat here," he said, gesturing to the front pew, "And take a few deep breaths, you do look quite pale."  
Harm nodded and allowed himself to be led to the pew before sitting down, Mac sat beside him, keeping his hand in hers.

Before long, the sound of mourners entering the chapel surrounded them, a few ventured up to the coffin, saying their personal goodbyes, a few came up to Harm to extend their sympathies and while he was courteous and thanked them, Mac could tell he really wasn't taking any of it in. It was no surprise to Harm that he didn't recognise anyone there, save his mother's next door neighbour. It was testament to the fact he hadn't spent nearly enough time with his mother in recent years. The last time he had seen her was when he had a case at Pendleton about five months earlier. The time before that had been thirteen months ago at the funeral of his stepfather.

With his grandmother having passed two years earlier, he was the only family member present and while that was sad on so many levels, Harm was in no state for it to register.

The service was over before he knew it and he held the gold railing of the coffin as it was wheeled out to a nearby freshly dug grave. Mac watched him intently as his expression registered little emotion as the coffin was lowered into the ground. There were a couple more prayers, the throwing of flowers and soil, expressions of sympathies from the other mourners, and still Harm remained emotionless.

At the conclusion of the service there was a small reception in the anteroom of the chapel. Tea, coffee, sandwiches and cake were consumed among quiet, somber chatter and reflections on the loss of a beautiful lady and, all through it, Harm remained detached and silent.

Little changed as Mac drove him home to his mother's house. Little changed as she prepared coffee for them both. Little changed as they sat in near silence in the living room.

When the phone rang, Harm showed no signs of moving so Mac answered it instead and took a message from another of Trish's friends passing on their sympathies.  
"That was Mavis Jackson," Mac said, taking her seat beside him on the sofa once more. "She said she knew your mom from the gallery and had only just heard the news. She said to give you her deepest sympathies."  
Harm didn't speak, instead his attention remained fixed on the switched off television.  
"Harm? Did you hear me?" she said, reaching out and resting her hand on his arm.  
"I heard you," he whispered, his eyes not moving.  
"Did you want me to turn on the news? A game?" she offered, moving her hand down his arm and linking her fingers with his.

Harm shook his head and disengaged his hand from hers before standing up. He wasn't sure what he needed right now but it wasn't Mac. He didn't need her care, her concern, her touch. He didn't need her beside him, in his house...his mother's house, in La Jolla.

Turning in front of the fireplace, Harm stood and looked at Mac. Patiently, she waited for him to say something but when eleven minutes had elapsed, she couldn't wait any longer.  
"Wanna talk to me?" she asked from her spot on the sofa.  
"Why are you here?" he asked, his tone almost as harsh as the words he'd used.  
"To support you," Mac replied, ignoring his tone.  
"Why?" he probed. "Not as if we've been close recently..."  
"I know," she replied standing up.  
"Obviously it was Cresswell who told you," he stated, his expression not changing.  
"It was," she confirmed. "He was concerned about you...wanted someone to be here for you."  
"Aha," he replied. "Why?"  
"What do you mean 'why'?" she asked, moving across the room to be standing in front of him.  
"I told him not to tell anyone ... that I was fine ... that I didn't need anyone..." he said, his voice distant.  
"He told me that," Mac said. "But he didn't really believe you... he said that everyone needed someone sometimes."  
"I don't need anyone," he replied. "I appreciate you coming here but I'm fine...really," he added, his voice cold, his eyes barely meeting hers. "You're welcome to stay here tonight but you should head home tomorrow."  
"What if I want to stay longer?" she asked; despite his words, Mac knew him far too well to believe he was as fine as he was saying.  
"There's no need," he said slowly. "I'll show you to the guestroom," he said, heading to the door and ignoring the fact that the clock had only just struck seven.

With Mac's bag deposited in the guestroom, Harm pointed out his room, the bathroom and reminded her to help herself to anything in the kitchen she needed before turning to face her on the landing.  
"If you don't mind," Harm started, looking more at his feet than her face. "I might take a shower and head to bed... it's been a long few days."  
"Sure," she said with a nod. "If you need me, you know where to find me," Mac offered. "Anytime."  
"Thanks," he replied. "Won't be necessary though."

As Harm headed to the bathroom, Mac went into her room and sat on the bed wondering what her next move should be. She knew Harm was hurting, knew that he had distanced himself from her even before his mother's death, knew that the problems they had experienced before all of this were probably the catalyst for his actions ... what she didn't know, however, was how to reach him...how to break through the wall he had built and to comfort him.

Grabbing her notepad and a pen, she decided to write a few things down for him. Perhaps reading her thoughts and not listening to them would help him understand a few things. When she had finished, she headed across the hallway and left the pages on his bed before heading down to the kitchen for some coffee and dinner.

When Harm returned from showering, he spied the note pad pages on the bed and his first thought was that Mac had left and was telling him. Picking up the pages, he sat in his armchair and scanned the two pages before starting at the beginning.

_'Dear Harm,_

_I am sorry._

_I am sorry for my part in the stream of misunderstandings we've had recently. After all these years we should be better at communicating and understanding each other than we are._

_I am sorry for not being there for you. Yes, work has been exceptionally busy for us both but I knew you needed a friend and I should have made the time for you. You are far more important than anything else._

_I am sorry about your mom's passing. I really liked her. She had a great sense of humour and was always so proud of you and I wish I could have been there to help you through her last days._

_I am sorry you feel you have to do this alone. I still consider you to be my best friend and even though we haven't been that friendly of late I am still here for you._

_I am sorry I can't find the words to let you know all this in person._

_I am sorry I can't just hold you and take away your pain._

_I am sorry._

_Love Mac'_

Harm read the note twice before dropping it back on his bed and towel drying his hair. After slipping on his robe, he sat on the bed and picked up the note again. Studying the paper in his hands, Harm thought he should go and see Mac, after all, his mother always said it was rude not to entertain guests in one's home. However, he couldn't bring himself to leave his bedroom, so instead he resorted to using Mac's form of communication.

Grabbing some paper and a pen, he thought about what he wanted to say. Yes, he knew he had isolated himself but that wasn't what he wanted...right now, despite his words, he needed someone ... he wanted someone to break through the walls he'd built ... to bridge the distance between himself and the human race.

_'Dear Mac,_

_I too am sorry. _

_Our misunderstandings were frustrating more than anything. You said it yourself, we should be much better at dealing with each other than we are. I don't know why we can't just be civil, if nothing else._

_Our friendship was always very important to me...I used to think that together we could really get through anything. In recent times, however, I figured it was easier to go it alone than spend all the time we had together arguing._

_When mom took ill and I knew this would be the outcome, I came to the realisation that I would be left on this planet alone. I figured I needed to come to terms with that. I was her only child and now an orphan. I know Sergi is out there and he is my brother, but we live in different countries, on different continents... It's hardly a functioning relationship._

_I am sorry too. I wish things were different,_

_Harm'_

Opening his bedroom door, Harm had intended slipping it under Mac's door but to his surprise the door was opened and the light off. Listening, he could hear movement downstairs and figured she was in the kitchen. Leaving the note on her bed, he ignored his rumbling stomach and went back to his room, disrobing before slipping between the sheets. Looking up at the ceiling he ran through the list of things he needed to do the following day ... it was a daunting list and as the details of it ran on repeat cycle through his tired brain he fell asleep.

After fixing herself something to eat and drink and watching the evening news service, Mac cleaned up the few things in the kitchen before heading upstairs. It was a long time since she had headed to bed so early but a good night's sleep would be more than welcomed. Turning on the bedroom light, Mac spied the note and quickly picked it up.

Frowning as she read it, Mac couldn't help the tears which welled in her eyes. It was obvious Harm was very down and perhaps considered their friendship over, but his final comment of wishing things were different, left her thinking that maybe, just maybe, he wanted her to make the effort to reach him.

Deciding to think things through first, Mac showered and dressed in a long white night-gown before returning to her room. Checking her cell, Mac put it on silent before pulling back the covers. Grabbing her notepad once more, she sat up in bed, took a deep breath and wrote.

_'Dear Harm,_

_I wish things were different too. And they can be. _

_I am here. I am not going anywhere. I want to be there for you but you're not making it easy. I don't want to make this about me though. Maybe you do need someone here, just not me. Maybe I am not welcome and you'd rather it be someone else – I can arrange that for you._

_Regardless of the words you use, I know you. You need someone to help you through this. I would like it to be me but if you really don't want me here, then I'll fly home tomorrow._

_Mac'_

Padding across the hallway, Mac eased opened Harm's door and was glad to hear his soft snores. Folding the paper in half, she placed it in his hand which was resting by his pillow. After carefully readjusting his covers, Mac departed before sliding between her own sheets wondering what the following day would bring.

She didn't need to wait until morning. Waking up in the early hours needing to use the bathroom, Mac was surprised to find Harm sitting on the floor watching her.  
"Harm?" she said, sitting up and swinging her legs around. "You okay?"  
"I don't want you to fly home tomorrow," he said, waving her last note.  
"I don't want to fly home tomorrow," she said quietly.  
"What do you want to do?" he asked just as quietly.  
"Right now, I want to use the bathroom," she said standing up. "And when I get back I'd like you to be in this bed and we can talk."

Harm nodded but was still sitting on the floor when she returned. Instead of questioning why he hadn't moved, Mac just slipped down the wall and sat beside him.

Neither knew how to start this conversation, so both sat in silence in the near darkness of the room. It was nearly 20 minutes later that Mac stood once more and offered her hand to Harm.  
"Your stomach is saying it's far too long since you've eaten. Let's go downstairs and I'll fix you something," she said tugging his arm.  
"Nah, it's okay," he said, looking at the clock. It was 4:13, he could wait until breakfast.  
"It's not," she replied. "You didn't eat at all yesterday...you need something in your system; a sandwich, milk and cookies..."

Reluctantly he stood but rather than let her lead him out of the bedroom, Harm pulled on her arm and brought Mac to him. With words still too difficult, Harm wrapped his arms around her and held her close. For Mac's part, she pressed against him and held him just as tightly as he was holding her, only letting go when he did.

Their 0430 snack was hot chocolate and choc chip cookies and was enjoyed in relative silence. When they were finished and headed back upstairs, Harm paused by Mac's door.  
"I'm still wanting you in my bed," she said, her fingers touching his. "Only if you want though..."  
Harm inhaled deeply. "Think you can come into mine?" he asked having found his bed far more comfortable than the one in the guest room.  
"I think I can manage that," she said, turning off her light and following him across the hallway.  
"Which side would you like?" he asked, gesturing to the bed.  
"Well, since you've already been sleeping on the left, I'll take the right," she replied, pulling back the covers and sliding in.

It took Harm four minutes to get comfortable in the bed and only one more before he had Mac in his arms. "I lied when I said I didn't need you here," he whispered in the darkness.  
Mac moved back and looked up at him before caressing his face. "I'm glad."  
"Just figured ..." he started but his voice trailed.  
"Just figured what?" she asked, her eyes fixed on his, even in the darkness.  
"The past few months...we haven't been that friendly...if we were being honest we probably weren't even friends..." he began, his words stilted. Mac wanted to protest but decided against it. "I mean we didn't see each other socially...didn't speak to each other unless it was case related..."  
"I know," she whispered.  
"It all got too much arguing with you," Harm continued. "I couldn't seem to say a thing right when it came to you and I was second guessing everything you said to me."  
"I know," she repeated. "It was a difficult time for us."  
"Was easier to just walk away..." he said, closing his eyes and sighing deeply.  
"Was it really?" she asked, still looking at him. "Because for me it was incredibly hard."  
Harm opened one eye and looked at her. "I didn't say it was easy," he protested before shaking his head. This had been their problem for months.  
"I didn't say you did," she said, resting her hand on his chest. "I'm just saying that I've never been as lonely as I have been in recent months. Once upon a time, even if we were on the outs, I could still phone you...still turn to you...it was really hard knowing that there wasn't one person in the world that I could...well, rely on. No one who ... cared."  
"I cared," he whispered hoarsely.  
"Even when you considered us not to be friends?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.  
Nodding slightly, Harm coughed to clear his throat. "Despite what it may seem, yes, I did care about you...I still do."

This time it was Mac's turn to close her eyes and sigh; she was confused, not to mention exhausted.  
"Mac," he whispered, carefully stroking her face. "I know this all seems convoluted...I'm confusing myself..."  
"Okay," she said exhaling loudly. "Glad I'm not the only one not following this conversation."  
"How long are you in La Jolla for?" he questioned, his fingers still on her face.  
"As long as you need me," she replied with a gentle smile.  
"That may be longer than you think," he said honestly.  
"I'm counting on it," she said moving closer and resting her head on his pillow.  
"Good," he replied, brushing a kiss across her forehead. "Because I've just said goodbye to one of the only two women I've truly loved. I don't want to have to do it to the other one too," he murmured.

Mac's eyes sprung open at his sleepy admission. Taking a deep breath she settled closer to him.  
"Never gonna say goodbye to you, Harm," she whispered into the darkness. "Tomorrow will dawn anew and we can work on saying hello."

Though sleep was pulling him into oblivion, Harm could still manage a smile. Despite everything which had gone before and that which was yet to come, saying hello to Mac was the very thing he needed to bring him back to life and life back to him.


End file.
